Lent '08 - Day 28: Crappy Rester

I didn’t write my Saturday blog entry yesterday because I was at work, then watched the Huskies vs. Cougars basketball game with Kara, and finally needed to work late in to the evening to be ready for our team’s demo on Monday. Today, even though I wasn’t doing work for Amazon, I still found myself with a task list. While I’m more free on Sundays, I still work. I’m just doing the other tasks that I don’t get to during week do to work like reading newsletters, writing to sponsor kids, investigating government issue, calling people, fixing things, cleaning. I already knew this, but it was made clear to me today that I’m a crappy rester. I don’t know how to not do anything. I have to do something. Reading is restful for me, so is being outdoors. I could hardly get myself to do much of either of these things. I feel pathetic.

Jesus once said to a group of accusers: “the Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath” (Mark 2:27-28). The Sabbath is a gift for us. I often times don’t feel that way. I think I often times deny this gift. How foolish. And there is a good reminder in this passage for those who are good at resting: Christ is still at the helm, even in the day of rest. The Sabbath isn’t an excuse to avoid the needs God brings before us. Maybe instead, the Sabbath provides a legitimate excuse not to actively seek them out.

Lent '08 - Day 27: To Forgive Is To Love

Finished watching Into the Wild. Aside from some random nudity that felt like was thrown in to “spice” things up, it was well done. There’s a great scene where the main character who forsakes his family and affluent life is up on a ledge with a older man he has befriended. The old man cuts past all of the issues the main character has with the church, family, and society and says, “to forgive is to love, and that’s when God shines his light down you.” At that moment, the clouds break and the sun punches through. The statement strikes me because it gives emphasis to how foundational reconciliation is to one’s relationship with God and others. If this statement is true, it makes sense that God would say we can’t be in relationship with someone who isn’t exhibiting it. If God is love, then God cannot be where forgiveness is scorned.

I realize I’m not getting into the specifics of what this means for my life. After this long week, it’s really just nice to get my mind on something else besides work, even if it’s abstract :)

Lent '08 - Day 26: Burn It Up

We started watching Into the Wild tonight. It really has some amazing imagery about forsaking all in pursuit of freedom. My favorite part was when he burns his cash. There’s something in me that objected. All kinds of “but…” thoughts came to mind. I saw where he was coming from in wanting to get away from his past life of being shepherded by parents of material plenty and worldly success. But still, did he need to burn the cash? Even if he didn’t spend it, it’s nice to have as a backup or in an emergency.

But you see, money is really just a tool. Like a hammer, it can be used to do things. Many uses of this tool are good. I don’t need to enumerate those here. But tools also have the potential to hurt us. A rope can help fish someone from a raging sea, and it can also be constructed as a noose to hang oneself. I remember the damage tools can bring most clearly growing up, when my dad, in an effort to cut some cardboard, sliced right through it with his razor knife, but also sliced into his thigh. My dad’s case was due to carelessness, and was easily preventable in the future. But some tools aren’t so easy to use properly. In these cases, I think we need to ask ourselves how long we’re going to let the tool sink us before we finally let it go and live without it.

Kara and I do some good things with money, but earning it, managing it, and using it sure does take a lot out of us. I’m reminded of Jesus’ invitation to “sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys” (Luke 12:33). Jesus also gives similar advice to a rich man in Matthew 19. I have heard sermons on Matthew 19 before. Usually the preacher extracts some “good lessons” from the story, but they conveniently don’t include selling our possessions. The closest or she might get is encouraging us to be willing to sell if asked. But Jesus’ words in Luke were directed to all his disciples. It’s not as easy to slip away from. If someone is really trying to follow Christ, why wouldn’t they think these words apply to them? I know when I hear Jesus’ words, I instantly start to make some of the same “but…” objections like I did when watching the money go up in flames: “but what about looking after my family… but what if I share my possessions… but what about not being a burden on others… but how will I be able to make an impact in our culture… but what about having fun…”

It’s incredibly hard to be in our culture and not have stuff. Maybe it’s just the amount of stuff that’s the problem. Maybe it’s the fact that so much of it goes unused. Maybe if there was more owned by the community I would feel better? Jesus words trouble me, but even more troubling is that I don’t know how and if I can apply them in my context.

Lent '08 - Day 25: Excercising the Gift

For my small group yesterday, we read some excerpts from John Bunyan’s Grace Abounding To the Chief of Sinner. The book discusses his call into ministry. It was really interesting to read about how the exercising of his gifts progressed. He writes:

Some of the saints who had good judgment and holiness of life seemed to feel that God had counted me worthy to understand the blessed Word and that he had given me some measure of ability to express helpfully to others what I saw in it. So they asked me to speak a word of exhortation to them in one of the meetings.

At first this seemed to be an impossible thing for me to do, but they kept at it. I finally consented and spoke twice to small meetings of Christians only, but with much weakness and infirmity. So I tested my gift among them, and it seemed as I spoke they were being given a blessing. Afterward many told me, in the sigh of the great God, that they were helped and comforted…

The church continued to feel that I should preach, and so after solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was ordained to regular public preaching of the Word among those who believed and also to those who had not yet received the faith.

About this time I began to feel a great desire to preach to the unsaved, but not for the desire of glorifying myself, for at that time I was particularly being afflicted with the fiery darts of the Devil concerning my eternal state. I could not rest unless I was exercising the gift of preaching, and I was pressed forward into it.

I was really struck by the seemingly natural progression that Bunyan experienced. Potential was recognized in him and brought to his attention by others. He then began to try it out. His attempts, though difficult, yielded fruit. They were encouragement to attempt again, to exercise further. At some point, it because clear to him that he was gifted in teaching. He felt it and he recognized it mentally. It was how God wired him, and as a result, a deep passion brewed inside of him to use what he had been given.

This has gotten me thinking about my own gifts and passions. I admittedly don’t have a lot of clarity in these areas. You won’t hear me say, “that involves a strength of mine, thus I should be apart of it” or “this opportunity involves my passions and gifts, therefore I should take advantage of it to develop them”. My decisions aren’t gifts/passions driven. Rather, if the decision logistically makes sense and I can’t point to a reason not to, I go ahead.

The problem with my approach is that I’m not operating with optimum output. This is for a few reasons:

1. I’m not serving as much. It causes me to live out of obedience, and not out of love. Obedience is good and certainly has its place, but love is better. It’s the difference between watching every minute on the clock and wondering where the time went.
2. My time serving isn’t as a productive. A screwdriver can be used to drive in nails if need be, but it’s really best at screwing. There’s all kinds of things we can do, but there are things we’re more suited for.

Given the plethora of need out there, I know I need to do something. I only have one life to make a mark. Since I only have one life, I want the mark I leave as significant as possible. This requires maximizes the amount of time I’m operating out of giftedness and passion.

My relationships with computers has for so many years driven a wedge between my actions and my gifts/passions. Computer science connects with my head, but it hasn’t engaged my heart. There are the voices in my head that utter “because you’re pretty good at this, you should do it” or even “your technical skills can be used by God, therefore you should continue down this path”. I’m sure better balance can be had between my day job and doing something about the poverty and injustice in our world. I think the best I have done was during my senior with a reduced school load and serving/leading out at the 1304 house. I don’t think I’m winning the balance war now. At some point, instead of battling to reconcile the two, I think I may have to give up and try a different tact.

I realize these are a lot of ramblings. I need to get this stuff out, because I can’t keep living in this untapped way...

Lent '08 - Day 24: Looking Forward

Last night, we got to spend some time with some friends that we really look up to and enjoy. We walked away full of joy, relishing just how nice it is to sit down and talk with people who listen well, understand you, and desire the Kingdom above all else. The reality of the homework waiting for Kara eventually hit in though. While driving home, we talked about how great heaven will be in this regard. There will be no such time constraints, no homework, no alarm clocks. We’ll be able to talk indefinitely with people we know and new faces representing every race on the planet. I look so forward to getting to sit down with my Grandpa and chat over slices of Bothwell cheese like we used to do when I’d visit in the summers growing up. I look forward to talking with Larry in his new body free of addiction and cirrhosis. I look forward to learning what life was like to grow up in the Sahara, the Andes, and the Outback from new found friends.

There is so much I look forward to learning in depth far more than I ever got in school. There’s all the sciences. There’s all the engineering disciplines. There’s all the arts. There’s endless history on our planet and the rest of the universe. I look forward to learning simply for the pleasure of learning, seeing and understanding the incredible beauty of the created world. I look forward to what all I get to be a part of here on earth, but I sure do look forward to all that will come afterwards.

Lent '08 - Day 23: Standing Up in Public

While we were walking from Westlake Center to Pike Place on Saturday, I heard loud, aggressive, demeaning, and cutting language off to my right. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, and searched instantly for its source. It was a lean-looking spandex-equipped biker waiting at the entry way to his Downtown condo. He was ridiculing a woman in a uniform with flyers and/or sign up sheets. I’m pretty sure she was with Metropolitan Improvement District of the Downtown Seattle Association. I stopped by the woman (10 feet from the man), and stared, still reeling to understand what was happening. He was using expletives to describe her size, her intelligence, her appearance. I didn’t see what, or even if, she did or say something that set him off. Within 5 seconds, she started asking me: “who is he talking to? Is he talking to me?” When the words got even more cutting, she got the picture, and started to walk away. I stared at the man for a few seconds, still dumb founded, and then walked with her briefly. He began to yell at us, “is that all you have to say? Nice response!” After talking briefly about not understanding what some people’s problems are, she stopped at the corner as we continued to walk forward. Mitch and I said good bye and expressed our hope that the rest of her day go better.

The whole situation has continued to trouble me since. I am disappointed with the way I handled it. While yes it’s good that I stopped, I didn’t really defend this woman being assaulted. I didn’t stand up this guy, and call him on how incredibly disrespectful he was being. This wasn’t a grey issue. It was black and white: no-one should be told the things that he was saying. I think his words struck a holy rage within me. No human bearing the stamp of God’s image should be treated with such contempt. I also failed with the follow up with the woman. Our conversation was too short to really show compassion and bring healing for her. Unless her skin is Kevlar, there’s no way his words didn’t affect her. I really should have asked more about what she does, what it’s like out here on the streets with tourists and condo-owners. Maybe should have been willing to share her story with us?

While I would not will this situation on anyone, I do want another chance to try again. I want to prove that I can speak up and that I can lay aside my own agenda for the sake others. We’ll se…

Lent '08 - Day 22: Birthdays

We had the pleasure of Mitch and George being with us this weekend, and George celebrated his 11th birthday. It was really a joy to spend the day with him. I got thinking about Jesus and birthdays. We make (or at least think we make) a big deal of his first birthday at Christmas, but I wonder what following birthday celebrations were like. For that matter, what were Hebrew birthdays like at that time? A quick Google search yielded no results on the subject. If you happen to know something on the subject, please let me know! I’m assuming though that annually, Mary and Joseph would share and reflect on the their travel to Bethlehem, arrival of strangers, and flight to Egypt. I wonder if other people believed their story about Jesus’ birth? I wonder what his siblings thought about their miracle brother?

On the subject of birthdays, what makes a good birthday celebration? How do you celebrate someone’s life well? When praying for someone on their birthday, I usually first jump to thanking God for the person’s parents for giving birth to the person and raising him or her. When I’m on top of things, I think of the areas where that person shines, where their areas of excellence are. I think about ways I can and should encourage them. So, I guess birthday’s are really not any different than other days when praying for someone, but as I can’t pray for everyone everyday, birthdays are like stakes in the ground to ensure that I do at least sometime.